*Trigger warning: this post is lengthy, and goes into details regarding pregnancy loss.

I have avoided this blog for over a month. I honestly just couldn’t even log in to look at stats, update affiliate ads, anything. When I found out I was pregnant in May I was shocked, surprised, and terrified. I wasn’t sure if I was ready to do it again, but I was so excited for this new baby. I built spreadsheets and ‘to do’ lists, I wrote 5 blog posts surrounding second babies (I haven’t deleted those yet.) I had all the regular symptoms: bloating, headaches, nausea, aversions. It was the exact same on a timeline as it was with Soph. And yet at my 8 week ultrasound they couldn’t find the baby. The tech found the little measuring 6 weeks while my pregnancy was measuring 7 weeks. My hcg levels were all measuring how they should be. My doctor told me we would take a look again in one week, if there was no development, I was miscarrying.

One week later, July 12, 2018, I walked into my doctors office and studied my breathing; I couldn’t seem to get enough air, because somehow in my bones I already knew. The tech walked out and called my name, I got ready for an ultrasound and for some reason this high end office I go to had a broken overhead screen. Something that just doesn’t happen at this office. There was no conversation. And I just remember staring up at the ceiling and counting forwards and backwards from 1-10 and 10-1.

A nurse walked me to a room and I waited. And then she walked in. My favorite doctor in the entire world. And she held my hand and told me the truth with no flowers, no colorful words, nothing other than facts. I had miscarried. I had choices, and I chose the medication for several reasons, but mostly because I wanted it to be over quickly. I kept myself together until I got in my car and then I called my husband and just sat there in silence, I remember he sat on the other end for 30 seconds at least before he said “I’ve got you love, I’ll meet you at home, I’m leaving now.” and I sat in the car and let myself cry for all of 10 minutes. I drove to Target and bought every chocolate thing I could find, picked up my script & drove home.

If you have never been in this situation, the next part won’t make much sense. My doctor told me to expect the worst period of my life, with the worst cramps. It was so much worse. It was truly labor pains, I couldn’t breathe. I breathlessly called the doctors after hours line and was told there wasn’t much that could be done – I had to ride the pain out. So I did what I learned in lamaze class: I took shallow but deep breaths in a pattern, I found different positions that would help ease the contractions. 2 hours later it was over.

And that was the easy part. Every hormonal wave, every emotion. The past month has been nothing but a rollercoaster. Its like taboo to talk about miscarriage. So I didn’t put it out there. I didn’t tell anyone other than those that already knew about the pregnancy. But why is it such taboo? Why should I suffer in silence? The hardest part of this process is feeling alone, even if you have family and friends who support you.

I have no idea why I am writing this into the internet, other than to take this blog to a different spectrum. To get my life back, and not be so consumed. No one talks about this subject. But someone should.

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