We are reading this for book club. Who isn’t, right? This “mommy porn” novel is so seductive. So naughty. So incredibly…not something I can get into. And I’m bummed!
It’s not that I can’t enjoy really rough, dirty sex. In fact, I prefer it.
It’s not even that the writing is so juvenile and obnoxious that I can’t get into Fifty Shades. Despite the horrible writing, this story is actually a complete and total page turner (or page clicker, since I’m reading it on my Kindle). I can’t put it down.
So why have I stopped reading it? I want to be whisked away! I want to let it turn me on! But, surprisingly, it leaves me feeling drained and sad and protective.
The truth is, I worked in a strip club. For a while, all I knew was sex. I didn’t want to talk or have foreplay or be intimate, yuck. I just wanted to get drunk and high and dirty. I was a walking sex toy. And now every “slave to sex” fantasy that I read or watch is branded with the reality of loneliness and hollow anguish caused by the cycle of abuse, the fucked up people (including me) who were/are obsessed and trapped by sexual power and neediness.
I am bruised by the sex industry.
And I’ve had enough.
I’m not against reading super hot, sexy stories! Walking away from this story was a huge shock to me. I think I’m a pretty sexually open person. But over the last few years I have noticed a change in what turns me on. I’ve stopped watching porn because I can’t take my mind of the actors. I wonder where are they from, what happened to them to make them sex slaves? Some of those actors may be totally healthy people doing an amazing job inspiring couples around the world to have mind blowing sex. But some are clearly not healthy. And I’m sad for them rather than turned on. Damn!
And Mr. Grey’s tortured past and need for sexual discipline and domination can’t be a fantasy for me because it is layered with the exhaustion, defeat and loneliness I experienced providing fantasy after fantasy as a stripper. And I was someone who had sex with lots and lots of people while suppressing my emotions over and over again.
My path is being made clearer and stronger through a new life discovered through education, sobriety, a loving family and Jesus. In the past, using a Bible verse to talk about sex would have made me white knuckled with irritation. But that was before I understood the Way to God. It says in Romans 6:20-23
20 When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21 What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22 But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in[b] Christ Jesus our Lord.
This isn’t condemning me or making me feel bad for my past, as I would have expected of religion. Just as with reading someone else’s story who understands, the Bible understands which means God understand the deepest feelings in my heart. And that means I’m not alone. It means that I have other options. It means I don’t have to feel ashamed that porn and the most popular dirty novel of the decade are not for me. I want to discover a passion and love for sex through love and intimacy, the way God intended me to experience it. (Btw, after I put down Fifty Shades I decided to pick up my Bible just because that’ the other book I’m currently reading and that verse was exactly where I’d left off. It responded to my turmoil immediately)
So, I can’t separate myself from the awareness of the sins I committed. Eh. Oh well. No Mr. Grey for me.
Maybe I need to find a dirty novel that involves two people who are broken but find true passion and love for each other through really intimate sex. Not sex that involves breaking each other down through domination but discovering and disclosing what makes them fearful then, through trust and love, heal each other for the purpose of a long term loving relationship. With lots of really intense, dirty sex.
Is there such a genre? Maybe I need to write a novel like that. It could still be really dirty and hot and wet and sexy. I’m not a prude. Just on a different path.