We are reading this for book club. Who isn’t, right? This “mommy porn” novel is so seductive. So naughty. So incredibly…not something I can get into. And I’m bummed!
It’s not that I can’t enjoy really rough, dirty sex. In fact, I prefer it.
It’s not even that the writing is so juvenile and obnoxious that I can’t get into Fifty Shades. Despite the horrible writing, this story is actually a complete and total page turner (or page clicker, since I’m reading it on my Kindle). I can’t put it down.
So why have I stopped reading it? I want to be whisked away! I want to let it turn me on! But, surprisingly, it leaves me feeling drained and sad and protective.
The truth is, I worked in a strip club. For a while, all I knew was sex. I didn’t want to talk or have foreplay or be intimate, yuck. I just wanted to get drunk and high and dirty. I was a walking sex toy. And now every “slave to sex” fantasy that I read or watch is branded with the reality of loneliness and hollow anguish caused by the cycle of abuse, the fucked up people (including me) who were/are obsessed and trapped by sexual power and neediness.
I am bruised by the sex industry.
And I’ve had enough.
I’m not against reading super hot, sexy stories! Walking away from this story was a huge shock to me. I think I’m a pretty sexually open person. But over the last few years I have noticed a change in what turns me on. I’ve stopped watching porn because I can’t take my mind of the actors. I wonder where are they from, what happened to them to make them sex slaves? Some of those actors may be totally healthy people doing an amazing job inspiring couples around the world to have mind blowing sex. But some are clearly not healthy. And I’m sad for them rather than turned on. Damn!
And Mr. Grey’s tortured past and need for sexual discipline and domination can’t be a fantasy for me because it is layered with the exhaustion, defeat and loneliness I experienced providing fantasy after fantasy as a stripper. And I was someone who had sex with lots and lots of people while suppressing my emotions over and over again.
My path is being made clearer and stronger through a new life discovered through education, sobriety, a loving family and Jesus. In the past, using a Bible verse to talk about sex would have made me white knuckled with irritation. But that was before I understood the Way to God. It says in Romans 6:20-23
20 When you were slaves to sin, you were free from the control of righteousness. 21 What benefit did you reap at that time from the things you are now ashamed of? Those things result in death! 22 But now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves of God, the benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life. 23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in[b] Christ Jesus our Lord.
This isn’t condemning me or making me feel bad for my past, as I would have expected of religion. Just as with reading someone else’s story who understands, the Bible understands which means God understand the deepest feelings in my heart. And that means I’m not alone. It means that I have other options. It means I don’t have to feel ashamed that porn and the most popular dirty novel of the decade are not for me. I want to discover a passion and love for sex through love and intimacy, the way God intended me to experience it. (Btw, after I put down Fifty Shades I decided to pick up my Bible just because that’ the other book I’m currently reading and that verse was exactly where I’d left off. It responded to my turmoil immediately)
So, I can’t separate myself from the awareness of the sins I committed. Eh. Oh well. No Mr. Grey for me.
Maybe I need to find a dirty novel that involves two people who are broken but find true passion and love for each other through really intimate sex. Not sex that involves breaking each other down through domination but discovering and disclosing what makes them fearful then, through trust and love, heal each other for the purpose of a long term loving relationship. With lots of really intense, dirty sex.
Is there such a genre? Maybe I need to write a novel like that. It could still be really dirty and hot and wet and sexy. I’m not a prude. Just on a different path.
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You need to write it. I’d read it.
I absolutely know what you’re talking about. A few years ago I was on a different path as well. I haven’t read this book, but I know what it’s about. I was there too for a while. It was thrilling and exhilarating and sad a pathetic and scary at times too. I got out of it by becoming involved with a no nonsense man who had a past as mixed up as mine was but still managed to come out of it with a strong head on his shoulders and a good sense of right and wrong. Hmmm, maybe I could right it, too.
I am glad for you that you know your heart.
Love…
It is amazing that we think we want the dirty until we have it. Then we realize it’s a bunch of scary bull shit. Thank God we found men who have found the joy and beauty in true love:)
Happy to hear your comments honey…….now you know why I have made the comments I have in the past about your writing of your life. It was a dark sad time in your life as I also have had in my past but don’t need to write or talk about it anymore. We all have pasts. Some of us has chosen to keep them buried. Yes it may have hurt my loved ones not to have shared them..however it may also have caused pain to them to and they would see you in a different light too. I have wrote about it in some of my poems but only shared with a few and not to any of my kids but you and Maren. Don’t know if you ever picked up on any of what I was writing about..if you haven’t..just know ….as God’s children noone is innocent and pure ….we all have our faults, ashame, fears,and secrets.
I know. I knew. I think I’ve known for a long time and I am so sorry for you. My heart beaks for you and is angry and wants to protect you.
You don’t have to share anything you don’t feel comfortable sharing! It is your story. Your experience. you can own it in whatever way you feel safe! That is yours and no one can make you do anything, ever again, that you don’t want to do! Own who you are. Own your experience. Own your feelings. You are an amazing and beautiful woman and I love you. No matter what!!
~~~Mama,
I love your perspective.
I am on the second book, and I am hoping Mr. Shades of Fu#%ed up changes….I think that’s what all the women want.
We want 25 shades of good loving & sex…… but not the domination, control, and dominance.
James really hit on something with women. What do you think it is? Why are women going crazy about this book? I mean, the writing is quite mediocre.
Inner Goddess? What the hell!
I’m going to tweet this. Superb post. Xxxxx kISss
Thanks for the tweet, Kim!
I think the fantasy of having a troubled, totally hot man find himself with you is a fantasy in itself. To heal a man. To help him heal and discover himself. That is a fantasy we love.
I also think most women really do love getting fucked, hard (sorry to sound so crass, but I think it’s true). We love the rush of hormones, we love getting carried away with hard kisses and explosive orgasms. I mean, yes please! We want to be told what to do, sometimes, to be dominated because, truthfully, women are the ones who multitask and run the show. If a man comes in and takes over, knows more than we do about anything and just makes it all happen, we love that! But, most guys don’t know much about how to bang. Really bang. And if they do, AND they are loving and honest and hard working and trustworthy, damn, we hang onto him! So the idea that Christian could turn out to be a man like that is so hot!
That’s just my two cents. I don’t know why it has to be so violent. Violence is emotional and make us react. It gets us going. This book gives us a safe place to explore all the things we want to think about but would never actually do. And we don’t need to take credit for how violent it is because we didn’t write it. We just read it. It fires our thinkers and privates all at the same time. It is a ride! A “safe” ride because it’s all in our mind!
I just can’t separate the fantasy from reality. Wish I could. But I can’t!
This book is in my TBR stack, because I have to see the train wreck for myself, but let me tell you, there is in fact lots and lots of good erotica out there. Some with BDSM, most without, some that might surprise you. I have an erotica author interviewing on my blog today, who writes hot lesbian scenes, something I never thought would do it for me, but it’s quite well done.
I don’t presume to speak to your personal experience – I am VERY glad you feel better about your life, now, that you did, back in your club days.
The verse I would call upon is that it’s not what goes into a man’s mouth that defiles him, but what comes out of it. IMO, it’s not the sex or the stripping itself that was harmful to your spirit, but the way you felt about it, and about those with whom you were involved.
Such an excellent response. And I am excited to discuss with someone familiar with the industry!
The act of stripping and the act of sex, by themselves, are simply that; an action, as you suggested. And my reactions to those are what define my experience. Some people may be able to have sex with multiple partners and strip and always feel empowered. I have no idea what it is like for other people. But I would argue that is isn’t that black and white because sex, by its very nature, is an intimate, emotional action. Stripping is provoking sexual fantasy. So, stripping is an emotional, intimate act as well.
There were times I felt amazing, empowered, beautiful, sexy and whole while I was stripping. There were other times I felt degraded, isolated, used. There were times when I was expected to let people treat me in ways I didn’t want to be treated. I tried to separate myself from those feelings. I tried to overlook the shame and cast-down eyes from people in the “outside world” who would find out what I did and totally make me feel like a dirty, useless piece of shit. I tried to let go when someone would slide their finger in my panties or stick their tongue in my ear then laugh during one of my dances. I tried not caring when men compared the tiniest flaw in my body to another body. I accepted that I was often a commodity and not a thinking, feeling human.
When I tried to change my emotions or turn them off I was hurting myself in the process. I wasn’t being true to my spirit. It is dishonest and harmful to silence emotions.
Had I the courage or words to stand up for myself, I would have. But I didn’t, so I let things happen that were harmful to me. If someone in the sex industry has the courage and words to define boundaries, they learned it from dealing with uncomfortable situations, reflecting on them, and finding healthier ways to do it next time. I wasn’t mature or of sound enough mind to do that then. I have found strength in owning my emotions and am glad I don’t ignore my soul anymore.
Good for you. Again. For being honest. And for learning and growing and getting
yourself in a better spot. And no longer ignoring your soul. When it comes to sex stuff –
I think the hard part [for women] is not feeling the emotions. I agree that the actions
are actions. And for years I have thought why can’t we (women) have sex like men
and not be emotionally attached and feel powerful? I would be very interested to
meet a woman who is strong and healthy and has sex with multiple partners and
strips etc.(on a regular basis) and can convince me they truly feel good about it. I think all women deserve a hot and fulfilling sex life. But I also think we deserve to be admired and loved and
respected for our brains and hearts and spirits too. After all, we are more than just a
hole. So much more.
And we cannot learn and grow in life when we aren’t honest and open about what
happens to us and about our actions in this world and how it all impacts us. Sharing
and talking through our experiences and feelings is the way to learning and growing.
Most people I know are too afraid to be honest. Even with themselves. Maybe mostly
with themselves. So I thank you for being honest and sharing pieces of yourself. You
are good and smart and I respect you for your honesty and openness.
Absolutely. We really do try, or I did, to fit into a culture that glorifies sex without emotion. That just creates sadness and so it’s perfect for advertisers because it creates neediness in us. And if that car or makeup or beer can make me more appealing, can fill that hole, then I will buy it. But those things, as we know, will never fill that longing.
Thank you for your comment so much. I am on a journey! This blog is a real trip. Sharing my story has been very healing and I am so grateful for all the support and love I am receiving from people like you!! Thanks, Mindy:))
When I met Alpha Hubby I told him, “I’m not sure I know how to date a nice guy.” He was patient. After we married (and actually did it right as in no sex until marriage, a first for us both), we sat around getting to know one another (we met and married 7 weeks later). Imagine my surprise at God because He knew exactly what I needed. Alpha Hubby was a reformed bad boy. He was bad. He got saved. I got him. Lucky me.
I think true intimacy – REAL intimacy and that hot banging sex you talk about – the good stuff that doesn’t leave you feeling empty – comes between two people who are commited, trust and love one another, know each other so well, they will learn what each needs, and gives it. True hot sex has to involve trust because you are totally exposed. As Alpha Hubby informed me, a man truly only knows what a woman wants him to do if she tells and shows him. Then he can go about providing that for her because he WANTS to do that for her. Any one else is a fantasy man written up by women who wish men could read their minds.
After 18 years, our sex life just gets hotter and hotter. I am blessed.
I forgot to say = back up where you said, “and disclosing what makes them fearful then, through trust and love, healing each other for the purpose of a long term loving relationship. With lots of really intense, dirty sex.” That would be a wonderful book! Write it!!
It is the story of my marriage. I was pretty messed up but between us, we found an amazing place together in the privacy of our bedroom… hallway… kitchen… living room… swimming pool… creek bed… *ahem*
hahaha! That is so awesome. I hope when our kids are older and we have more space to fill in our home, we will be able to explore that way too!! Way to go! Seriously, that is a beautiful thing.
You lucky, lucky lady!! And that is such great advice, or words of wisdom – I need to tell my man what I need and want. I, quite honestly (of course:) don’t do that enough. I’m still pretty shy in that area. But since he is such an awesome guy who I totally trust, I am able to slowly open up to him. Slow and steady:)
Happily, our sex life is getting better and better, too:)
Sexy rocks. Sex as power, sex as manipulation, sex as abuse — suck. I hate novels that glorify anything but sex as sharing and pleasure.
Well said. You drew the line perfectly. Sex as anything that isn’t loving is painful.
It’s true. 10 Shades of Grey is prob a cool fantasy but in reality meaningful relationships are where it’s at for me too. I went through my crazy sex phase I just want something real now and it’s ok if it doesn’t totally knock my socks off, Mari says that that is lust and love is more simple. Like the KT Lang song!