“Hi Mom!” I sing into the phone. I call everyday to see how she is doing.
I hear her on the other end. Her voice is raspy and wheezy, as if she’s talking through a harmonica.
“What, mom?”
“I. Fell. I. Fell. I’m. On the. Kitchen. Floor”
“What, mom? What? You fell? Are you ok? What happened?” I ask too many questions for her to answer. Not because she doesn’t want to. Not because she has fallen and is hurt. But because she can’t talk. Her vocal chords are almost entirely paralyzed. For several months she has been struggling to eek out words, to breath, to swallow. It happened about the same time she lost the use of her left hand which happened after the loss of her legs. She’s had pneumonia more times than I’ve taken her for granted in the past year. Way too often.
“Larry. Is. On. His. Way. On. His. Way. Home.” Gasps of air interrupt every word so she can find the strength to force each one out. I feel a little relief that my step-dad is leaving the golf course early to be there, to pick her up, to hold her, comfort her, tell her everything will be alright.
“What happened, Mom?”
All I can hear are the words “living room” “kitchen” and “walker”. I can hear the kitchen television in the background. She must be there.
“I. Have. My walker. I. Just. Can’t. Pull myself. Up.”
“Can you at least see the TV?” I say. Trying to lighten the situation. She’s been catching up on all the Food Network shows because they don’t have that channel in the hospital where she has been spending too much time this past year.
“Yeah. Yeah. The TV is on. I. Gotta. Go.” She says.
I want to keep her on the phone. To talk to her while she is waiting so she isn’t alone. In case she’s scared and needs a good distraction. God knows I could babble to her for hours while she waits. God knows I usually do. I need to keep her on the phone with me. To comfort me. To keep me from feeling alone.
But I don’t argue with her. I imagine it must be hard to hold herself up while holding the phone. I will do whatever she tells me to do. If that means hanging up, I will do it.
“Ok. Are you sure?”
“Yes. Larry. Is. On. His. Way.”
“Ok. I love you mom. I love you I love you.”
“I love. You. Too. Honey.”
And the call is over.
I try to pray but I don’t know what to pray for. Because I don’t want to think about it. All I can do is worry about her, worry about me, worry about my sister in Pakistan. Worry is my comfort.
What prayer can I say for my mom right now? I reach out to you for the words.
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I am so sorry kjersti…I had no idea this happened. I babbled on and on to you on the phone and didnt even ask how she was. You just pray for love and love and more love.
No worries! We were talking about really good stuff! You are still always there for me;). And you said it in your text, Jesus doesnt care what words i use;) He just wants the prayer. Love you!
Be anxious nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving,
let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding,
will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus (Phil 4:6-7)
When I call upon Him, He will answer me.
He will be with me when I am in trouble, He will deliver me and honor me
He has promised satisfy me with long life and to show me His salvation
The peace of God is all any of us need. This prayer guides my worries where I can find peace. Maybe praying for something, for my mom’s health etc, is just sidetracking us. But to pray for God’s peace truly is the only real comfort. Thank you for this guidance, Bridget;)
The only thing that comes to mind, Please God keep my family safe. Sending many more prayers and hugs your way.
Safety is something else I take forgranted. Yes. Please keep my family safe.
They worry so much about us when we’re young, then we worry about them when they are old. I can’t imagine the frustration and panic you felt as well as helplessness when you heard your mom. At least someone was on their way to help! Just keep breathing. She’ll be ok! If praying helps then do it! I’m sure He’s listening and can comfort you! Be strong!
—Wild Mama,
My prayers usually go something like this, “God, Help me Help me Help me!”
Hope your mom is okay. Let me know. Okay? Love Love Love. Xxx
I know that prayer too! The best one out there, perhaps. It sure does communicate a lot of things I can’t put into words.
My mom is doing ok. sigh. She is ok.
My prayers sound like Kim’s
But for you and your mom, I would pray that God helps you be what she needs for comfort and support, that he gives you the grace and peace to just BE that, whatever that is, and let it be enough for YOU, too. My heart goes out to you.
Thank you:) I can pray that prayer for us.
God doesn’t need the words to be perfect because He hears what’s in your heart. Your prayers and love keep me going. I am also inexpressibly grateful for the prayers and concern from your blog followers/friends.
Dearest daughter, I know how you worry and I can’t stop that, but I’ll be fine. Soon we’ll only have to pray for time to spend together and ways I can spoil those two beautiful grandchildren.
(Note to the curious: Larry did rescue me from my ignominious position on the kitchen floor. And while I was waiting, I WAS able to catch up on some Food Network shows. You know me so well!)
You are the best mom in the whole wide world. You always know just what to say. Always always always. I am going to stop worrying, stop being such a pouter and just celebrate with you:)) I love you so much , mom. Love you love you love you!!
I’m late to the post but when my mom was in her last year (we didn’t know it would be) many things began to go like her ability to make coffee (she loves it) up to her inability to bathe herself (or remember to). She kept her keen sense of humor and always knew who I was (thank God). I had to learn to be what she needed, not what I thought she needed or what I needed to feel better about the situation. I asked God (as Pamela said) to help me be what she needed and not what I wanted her to be – my strong mama.
Also, in the immediate situation you were in, I would have asked for the angels to surround and protect her, to keep her safe and that she be at peace while waiting for Larry (sounds like she was from her comment). I’m always employing our angels to do what they were sent to do – that is what gives me peace!
I totally agree and will use your words. I need to stop wanting her to be one way and be what she needs of me! I love this blog. So much amazing insight. Thank you, Nan!!