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I don’t have the luxury anymore to let vodka burn away my stress.  Or the buzz of nicotine distract me.  Or gain a temporary new perspective from stinky, thick, lung squeezing weed.
I have words.
And I haven’t been using them lately.
So I’ve become a violently shaken gallon of Mountain Dew.  The totally carbonated, overly caffeinated kind.
I can and will have exploded.
My mom is going home with hospice care this Friday.
In two days.
Saturday we’ll be holding a living wake for her.  Throwing [...]

wildchildmama says:
Nan, I am definitely grateful that I get to say goodbye and celebrate with her!... more
nan @ lbddiaries says:
oh and baby? Truly it is all going to be alright. God is going to walk you... more
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My heart races and chest tightens.  I search for a reason, a trigger, a word or emotion or thought that brings on these feelings of terror and when nothing comes to mind, I panic.  What is happening to me?
Breathe.
Breathe.
Take deep breaths until it passes.
Breathe through the fear.
I scream inside, wanting to escape my body, but I don’t know why.
Eat some chocolate chips, try to taste food, avoid the pain. But, I don’t taste anything.
Try to figure out what I’m feeling, [...]

nan @ lbddiaries says:
Beautiful and also makes me tear up. My mom’s last words to me were the... more
My Inner Chick says:
—Oh, Just know I love you…praying for you…thinking of you.... more
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I used to give a lot of advice about writing.  Not because I thought I had so much wisdom or education or experience that I went around telling people about the art of words.  It’s just that people would ask, “How do I do it?  I can never think of anything to write.”  And I’d simply say, “Just start.  Don’t think too much about it or where it’ll take you.  Just write.”
But I’ve taken a little break from writing.  I’ve [...]

wildchildmama says:
Thank you for that!! Amazing how willing I am to put me aside. But I... more
wildchildmama says:
Totally, Kim! I think of a blog you posted a while back and it was you saying... more
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We went into 9 strip clubs on Maundy Thursday night (that’s the Thursday before Easter, I never knew there was a name for that before!) and were welcomed in all of them with open arms.
We’ve even begun forming a relationship with a “house mom” from one of the clubs. (A house mom is an older woman who has been around a long time that takes care of the girls, watches over them, etc.) She’s invited us to arrange a clothing [...]

My Inner Chick says:
I will try to see Pamela on the 22nd if I’m in Minneapois! more
My Inner Chick says:
—I am moved beyond words. I love love love how GOD is using you as his... more

Three things Thursday – just one thing

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Confession:
I’m going crazy.  I know, you’ve heard this before.  But, it’s spring in Minnesota and outside it’s still in the 30s and is ice-raining.  I was going to go see my mom today who is in the ICU again but I couldn’t make the drive because the roads are so bad.  In mid-April.
My mom is getting weaker.  (mind is blank.  I don’t want it to sink it so I stare out the window and let my eyes go blurry.)
I’ve overloaded [...]

 

Computa Gansta

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When I walked into the dining room, my two sweet little kiddos had towels in each hand sopping up what had spilled on the floor.  I was more proud of them in that moment than worried about the water pooling around my lifeline, my computer.  Surprisingly, I was calm.  I lifted my laptop up, shook out any access droplets, and walked away.
Later when I turned on the computer to write, the letters were going crazy.  Rows of dots were goingandgoingandgoing [...]

 

Three Things Thursday – teddy bears

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Sharing a quote, confession, and question (almost) every Thursday.
Confession:
I still sleep with a teddy bear. His name is Mr. Tubby. He’s 34 years old. And no, I’m not talking about my husband. It’s an actual teddy bear. He’s brown like toast. His underarms are worn from a lifetime if hugs. And he has an eye patch over a whole that was once his plastic eye.
I kinda forgot about him but when my kids discovered him in a basement box [...]

 

Apron Give Away (so I can be Bold)

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I’m stepping out in faith again.
I realized this week that, in some ways, doing ministry work is even more challenging than a regular 9-5 because it isn’t predictable.  In a secular job, you go to work, complete your tasks, clock out, go home and get paid.  (And if you’re a teacher you do more work at home, but you still get paid the same amount at the end of the week).
In my ministry, I have to rely on prayer for [...]

 

Three Things Thursday – Laughter

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Sharing a quote, confession, and a question (almost) every Thursday.
Confession:
I need to laugh more.
I discovered this at the pharmacy picking up my meds having kidney surgery .  Surgery isn’t funny.
Those pharmacy people are smart (I guess they’re called pharmacists, ha).  They know no one wants to be there.  It’s not exactly a dream destination or a hot date spot.  They don’t have a cool motto like, “What happens in the pharmacy stays in the pharmacy.”
No one goes there for fun.
They [...]

 

Three Things Thursday

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Sharing a quote, question, and a confession (almost) ever Thursday.
Quote:
“Your testimony is powerful.  There is a strength in you that the enemy is so scared of, which is why he has done everything he could to destroy you.  But you are a warrior.  You were created for such a time as this.  What the enemy has tried to take you out with, God will use for good.”  From Polly Wright’s memoir Cherished.
Confession:
I never used to believe in the devil.  I [...]